Too Worldly for The Church and Too Christ Like for the World

I find myself often apologizing for my unfavored opinions or thought processes, I ask that when you read this post or my blog as a whole that you look at my heart instead of heavily  disagreeing with me or jumping to conclusions, I don't know your struggles but I'm done apologizing for my own, the observations that I've made, and or my own personal experiences. So, here we go... are you ready?


I have always thought of myself as too worldly for the church and too christ like for the world, which tends to leave me with a strong taste of rejection in mouth far too often than I'd like. I would love to be your stereotype of a christian who prays when you're suppose to, who says amen at just the right time, and who goes on mission trips and takes pictures with little poor children that I'll never see again. I've even tried to be that, but that's NOT who I am... it would be so much easier if I was trust me. It's also not negative if that's who you are, the body of christ needs people just like that to reach people I probably can't. However I shouldn't, you shouldn't and the church shouldn't tear people down who are not that. I'm just as important to the body as someone like that is, and it's sad that it's taken me 21 years and even still trying to convince myself that I'm worthy and good enough to be apart of something bigger than who I am.

I remember one time when I was about ten years old, my older brother and I were in our basement playroom and he was beating me up (as older brothers do) and he wouldn't stop. I was screaming, kicking do anything that would make him stop and get off, surprise it didn't work. So I yelled "Get off me bitch!!!". (LOL)  Guess what, he got off me and then told me he was gonna tell my mom on me. I pushed him and ran up the stairs and told on myself instead.

That moment has stuck with me for so long, When my brother told me he was gonna tell on me I didn't cry and beg him not to or try to blackmail him. (which happened a lot when we got older) I realized what I did was wrong and I wanted my mom to hear it from me not someone else. That's how I look at myself as a follower of christ. I am not perfect, I don't think I'm better than someone who doesn't believe what I believe and I make mistakes all the time. I just prefer for people to see me for who I truly am,  I'm not putting on a show so the world or the church will judge me less or value me more. I simply just love Jesus Christ and thats it.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God "

 Romans 3:23

XOXO City Dreamers.

Being A Father Is Tricky, But So Is Being A Daughter.

My mother, me and My real father (Anthony "mafia" Holloway

I found myself wondering about my last name tonight.... Holloway... what does that even mean, you know? Like, where's it from and why do we have it? I found myself searching Google like a mad women! Wondering who else bared the same name as I. I pretty much know nothing about my fathers side of the family, he isn't around much and we don't really have an awesome relationship; partly my fault and partly his. My point is, I'm very curious to who I'm related to and what kind of African American background I come from. The odd part about this was I ended up Googleing my fathers name or better yet his stage name, Anthony "mafia" Holloway. If you're familiar with karat you've probably heard his name tossed around a time or two, if not I'll elaborate for you. My father is a world wide karat champion, and very well known throughout the karat circle. Apparently he's amazing, I don't doubt it... us Holloways are a talented bunch from what I've read about past Holloways, and me and my older brother haven't disappointed. Getting back to my point here, yes I was and still am curious about my last name but I found myself being more curious about my father than the last name. As I started watching videos dating all the way back to 1993 of him competing, reading interviews and looking at pictures; I felt it, an emptiness that I truly thought I filled or closed the door to or something. The longing of just wanting to know everything about him.. his favorite color, his favorite place to eat, stories of his childhood, tv shows he liked but, I don't think that will ever be possible...partly because of me, partly because of him. I become a strange person when I  get around him... I can't really explain it..... I just become not me. I really want to show him who I am but I'm afraid to, because if he rejects me for who I'm really not it wont hurt as bad because I can offer him more...but if he rejects me for who I really am I have nothing else to offer him, which would leave me not being good enough for him. Which I know that I am! But I just can't do it.

I've had a step dad since I was 3 years old. His name is Pablo and for the most part he's been a very good man to my family, always putting food on the table and getting us what we need when needed. Our relationship is rocky, and I often wonder if he truly loves me as a daughter, or he's had to grow to love me for my mother. It matters and there is a difference.

I was reading a few things on the subject of growing up without a father,What the effects are for young females and I found these four,

This would be me, my older brother Mafia, Mom, Step dad Pablo and little sister liv

• Self esteem issues 
• Self-image
• Confidence and opinions of men

 I consider myself growing up without a father.... even though I have a step dad, He's not a bad dad but he's not the "my daughter is the apple of my eye" type dad. I can sometimes even see how he treats my younger sister differently, I don't even think he notices it... I get it..she's blood, I'm not.
But those four effects that are listed above, I don't really have.... I think its a combo of having a pretty awesome strong women for a mother and serving an awesome God, not an earthly father. 

I guess what I've come to realize throughout this blog is few things,

1. My mom is pretty amazing, and I'm glad she always told me I was beautiful as a child, and told me that she loved me and I am worth something (Kids need to hear that crap parents). Shaping my mind to understand that I don't need a mans approval to feel worthy of anything.

2. That there are spaces in your heart that only your real father can fill, and I shouldn't expect somebody else to fill them.

3. Don't let not having a father hinder you from becoming and loving who you are.

And four. Growing up knowing Jesus Christ as my father above, has played a major part in my life and if you yourself are lacking in father department... you have got to get to know this guy I call Daddy! His love is overwhelming, ask me about it..seriously.

That's all I have for you today, I worked really hard on this blog for you guys...I wrote it as if I was writing in my journal. I really hope you as a reader can understand were I'm coming from with this, and see my heart.

If you have any questions or want to share something with me, email me at, DestinyHolloway55@gmail.com

That's all for now city dreamers, keep on dreaming
xoxo,
Des.